”Can we forget about the things I said
   When I was drunk?
   I didn’t mean to call you that
   I can’t remember what was said
   Or what you threw at me” *

When people drink a lot, they put the part of their brain to sleep which is in charge of  thinking about consequences, behavioral inhibitions and their verbal filter . Small amounts of alcohol can have a stimulating effect making people more outgoing and friendly, however, large amounts metabolize in the body as a depressant. Inebriated frontal lobes and feelings of depression and/or anger are a destructive combination leading to words that can’t be taken back and actions that can cause harm to others and to ourselves. Sometimes people have black-outs in which they can’t remember blocks of time and may end up waking up to strangers faces in unknown places. It seems so funny when someone is slurring and stumbling around and insisting that they can drive, not so funny when their car is careening towards a family of four on the highway. 

Before you stop thinking, stop drinking.

If you have a problem with alcohol, it shows strength to recognize it and start dealing with it. If you need help, ask for it, there is no shame in it.

* “My Own Worst Enemy” – Lit

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The first stage of romantic love begins when we finally meet someone we ‘click’ with. It is sheer joy brought on by a potent mix of endorphins. The initial three to six months of a relationship is wonderful, easy and breezy. 

A heady cocktail of  adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin lead to viewing our beloved as “perfect.”  When we are ‘under the influence’ we project our idealized version of everything we want onto the other person. The world seems brighter, as Frank Sinatra sings: ” Like painted kites, those days and nights, they went flying by. The world was new beneath the blue umbrella skies.” We seem like we’re better people and this is because our beloved brings out the very best in us. Enjoy this time, for it is special and magical !

The second stage of romantic love  is based on physics – “the higher you fly, the further you fall”.  When was Brad Pitt replaced by Charlie Sheen ?!  Being blindsided by reality isn’t so much fun. At this point, we notice all of the flaws of the other person that we had so successfully ignored before. We discover that our amores are *GASP* human… we question whether this is the right person for us. We realize that we are two different people with different tastes, beliefs and perceptions. This phase generally brings up our first conflicts.

If  we still like each other, despite our respective flaws, the relationship moves towards a long term commitment like marriage. Frequently, we view our wedding as what our marriage will be like. We don’t think about the morning after and after and after. We get the message from the media that we will get married and  live happily ever after. Unrealistic expectations abound as a result : our spouse will change/stay the same, we will never disagree or fight and if he/she really loves us they’ll know what we want and need. Even if our parents were like The Costanzas , our marriage will be the exception.

For a marriage to be happy and healthy; we must put time, effort and energy into working on it.  

Guidelines for sustaining good relationships :

1. Be direct in stating your wants, needs and expectations to your partner.

2. Know yourself  and your own feelings/reactions. 

3. Be able to understand  that you and your spouse might not share the same perception of  events.

4. Honor  your significant other by listening to him/her.

5. Be able to discuss emotionally-laden topics with one another.

6. See compromise as a positive way to resolve conflict.

7. Accept  accountability for your own actions and apologize as needed.

8. Verbalize appreciation when your beloved helps out with chores, even if  he/she doesn’t do it the way  that you would.

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• You look at yourself in the mirror after having consumed 325 holiday cookies and see a faint resemblance to Shamu.
• You wake up with a “super cell” hangover and vaguely remember being pulled over by an Austin police officer.
• You just couldn’t pass up the incredible deals from “Needless Mark-up” this season. It dawns on you that, mathematically, your daughter would need to fail all four years of high school to be able to ever wear those beautiful prom dresses you so lovingly purchased for her.
• You threaten a fellow driver with a “Justin Bieber” musical marathon, while utilizing hostile sign language, for going too slow in the left lane.

After New Year’s Day, we become more aware of our bad habits, addictions or poor treatment of others, and vow to be a better person in the next year. We’re quite sincere and motivated when we take our vows and write down our resolutions.

In the “Honeymoon ” stage (January 1st-3rd), we marvel at our newly discovered inner strength to eat a big salad, abstain from alcohol, and return purchases made in haste. We’re astonished at how easy it is to be a courteous and pleasant driver.

The “Stressors R Us” (January 4th-10th) stage gives us new insight into what it’s like to deal with life without our usual coping mechanisms. We realize that changing ourselves is a little more difficult to achieve than we counted on.

When we arrive at the “Wasted away in Denial-ville” stage (January 10th-ad nauseam), we decide that resolutions are stupid. After all, we’re just fine the way we are. If we eat, drink, spend a little more and honestly express our feelings, we can’t help it—we’re only human.

How to dress your resolutions for success:

1. Make realistic goals and ways to reach them. Coping mechanisms are deeply entrenched and it takes a series of small goals to slowly dig out of our trenches.
2. Change takes dedication and mule-like persistence. If we give up when things become too hard and/or painful for us, we cannot change.
3. It is a sign of strength to ask for help from others, not a weakness.
4. Let others know what you’re working on for support and encouragement. This is also a way to make it more difficult for “resolution renege” to creep in.
5.  Focus on how even small changes can enhance your life.
6. Setbacks are natural and to be expected.
7. Give yourself credit for what you achieve; beating yourself up just hurts.
8. Your resolutions start in January but can go beyond it to lead to healthy, lasting lifestyle changes.

Happy New Year !

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Family life is idealized at the holiday season. In commercials, television shows and movies, families are portrayed as a font of togetherness, making warm memories.

However, for many of us, this time of year can bring up anxiety, depression and pure dread when we think of going home.

Magically, the minute we’re with our families of origin we’re cast back into our childhood roles: vying for attention, feeling ignored as the middle child or behaving in a rebellious and insolent manner though we’ve long left the teen years behind. Astoundingly, our siblings transform as well into “the boastful competitor” or “the golden child” upon whom everyone lavishes attention or “the boss of the applesauce” whose motto is “My way or the highway.”

We also fall back into the parent-child role with our parents, even those of us who’re sporting receding hairlines and errant silver (gray) hairs.

We exhaust ourselves by turning into our Martha Stewart avatar and decorating our homes to the nines so as to gain approval from Mom. Some of us become the over-responsible caregiver who helps Dad to bed after he’s been “celebrating” too much. We try to please our mothers-in-law by lavishing praise upon their mostly bland cornbread dressing.

Resistance to change often drives us up the wall: the green bean casserole CANNOT be exchanged for a more tasty dish, the time of the meal must be 14:00 sharp, the game must be turned to a supersonic volume because this is the way that it’s always been done. Equally frustrating are the iconoclasts who change the date of the holiday to fit their schedules, those who freely and unilaterally change the holiday theme to a Luau or Harry Potter, or those who want to troop to The Golden Corral to avoid cooking and cleaning.

Drama can be stirred up by the aunt born without a filter, the ex showing up with his new amore, futile attempts to find one’s way through a hoarder’s paradise or the Fox News addict lecturing The Daily Show‘s #1 fan about President Obama’s birthplace.

How to stay calm, cool and collected (sometimes it’s difficult!) :

1. Breathe.
2. Take a break, even if it’s 15 degrees outside. Remember, you need to cool down.
3. Orient yourself to your current age, occupation and home address.
4. Call your sponsor, go to a meeting, take those twelve steps to sanity.
5. Take care of yourself: eat, sleep and exercise.
6. Talk to supportive family and friends.
7. Delegate chores and tasks as needed.
8. Limit your alcohol intake.
9. Be aware of your own predilection to stir up drama (you know who you are!.)
10. Practice responding to your family in adult mode. Happy Holidays ! (Let’s hope that the Mayans were wrong about 12/21/12…)

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